I'm sure that romance can be a beautiful thing, but so far in my life romantic endeavours have been far from the picture perfect image that I have strived for since crying my eyes out as a 12 year old wondering why I did not yet have a boyfriend. I have had many positive experiences in romantic relationships, but romance's ugly head always seems to rear at some point. Why aren't things working out like I thought they would? Why am I not always the center of attention? Why isn't sex always perfect, with beautifully timed placement of hands and mouths and kisses that make you forget your name? Why aren't you perfect????!
What a high expectation to place upon someone, I've finally realized. A standard that can never be met. A giving up of oneself completely to another's wants and whims. It's quite unrealistic and realizing that has been part of growing out my ego-centered life of being a child. The number of times I've accepted a partner into my life and then belittled them for not being some impossible imaginary thing is quite sad. I can see this theme in my own life, as I tend to do it with myself. Have impossibly high expectations and then not meeting them and then belittling myself for being 'not good enough' or 'stupid' or 'lazy'. Sometime I confuse these feelings of not meeting my high expectations of myself as not doing the right thing and become quite susceptible to others' suggestions. Maybe I'm applying for jobs wrong or the wrong jobs, or doing the wrong hobbies, or eating the wrong food. But as I've strayed down to road of engaging in everyone else's advice, I've found myself as lost as before.
In the end I have the theory that I am doing it all quite right and quite well, as I am not 'lazy' or 'stupid' and I am plenty good enough. I am doing my best and I need to start given myself credit for doing so. I'm doing what I want to do, that's pretty awesome. I respect people that do what they want to do and then find the satisfaction and happiness in that. So I'm halfway there. I just need to start realizing that I am doing what I want to do, instead of constantly striving for it. Some might ask what I am doing. Well we'll save that for another post.
The point is, once I start accepting myself and my actions and my motivations, then I can engage in dialogue where I'm not afraid of being controlled by others. Because at the moment I'm afraid of suggestions because they make me feel lost because I'm not feeling very confident about myself. But I am confident about myself I'm realizing through this post.
It's all a mindset anyways.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Guilty Until Proven Innocent
I have found myself as part of a community who's values lie beyond monetary, who strive more to live for the pursuit of satisfaction then for the pursuit of comfort (satisfaction being comfortable). Wherever I have spent an extended period of time, I have ended up a part of this community as if by some sort of fate. There is one attitude that I have encountered and acquired along the way that I don't quite feel comfortable with, that of being 'guilty until proven innocent'.
People wonder how I meet my basic needs without working for more than minimum wage and sometimes having long periods of time where I don't work, where I might be traveling or learning in other unconventional ways, WWOOFing for example. I have occasionally been accused of taking advantage of others and being 'lazy'. I have encountered the attitude that I am taking advantage until I prove my worth through some sort of series of invisible tests that I must pass.
When this attitude comes to pass I feel like I will never be able to prove myself, perhaps because I can't. If someone is suspicious of me, then they will be keeping their eye out for things that could be interpreted as devious or untrustworthy instead of noticing the ways in which I am a good person. And also, If I'm feeling guilty I will be feeding this idea of distrust by acting as if I need to prove something and seeming guilty because I allowed myself to buy into that feeling.
The first and foremost way that I am able to meet my needs with what is deemed "little" money, is to reevaluate the definition of 'need'. Need to me has changed from what need was growing up. My needs bend and mesh and flex to what resources are nearby. What is available? The second is to reevaluate money. Not everything can be bought and not everything needs to be bought. What other resources do I have to offer?
I have found a variety of ways around using money, and I'm not talking about stealing, I'm talking about free piles, dumpster diving, exchanges, seeking out free activities and workshops, riding a bicycle and learning how it works, and living with people who have similar ways of life. Is this taking advantage? Who would I be taking advantage of? It's far from lazy. It takes just as much work to avoid using money as it does to earn money so you can buy convenience, as far as I can tell. It's just a different kind of work.
I'm not sure where 'guilty until proven innocent' came from, but I'm working towards eradicating it from my life.
People wonder how I meet my basic needs without working for more than minimum wage and sometimes having long periods of time where I don't work, where I might be traveling or learning in other unconventional ways, WWOOFing for example. I have occasionally been accused of taking advantage of others and being 'lazy'. I have encountered the attitude that I am taking advantage until I prove my worth through some sort of series of invisible tests that I must pass.
When this attitude comes to pass I feel like I will never be able to prove myself, perhaps because I can't. If someone is suspicious of me, then they will be keeping their eye out for things that could be interpreted as devious or untrustworthy instead of noticing the ways in which I am a good person. And also, If I'm feeling guilty I will be feeding this idea of distrust by acting as if I need to prove something and seeming guilty because I allowed myself to buy into that feeling.
The first and foremost way that I am able to meet my needs with what is deemed "little" money, is to reevaluate the definition of 'need'. Need to me has changed from what need was growing up. My needs bend and mesh and flex to what resources are nearby. What is available? The second is to reevaluate money. Not everything can be bought and not everything needs to be bought. What other resources do I have to offer?
I have found a variety of ways around using money, and I'm not talking about stealing, I'm talking about free piles, dumpster diving, exchanges, seeking out free activities and workshops, riding a bicycle and learning how it works, and living with people who have similar ways of life. Is this taking advantage? Who would I be taking advantage of? It's far from lazy. It takes just as much work to avoid using money as it does to earn money so you can buy convenience, as far as I can tell. It's just a different kind of work.
I'm not sure where 'guilty until proven innocent' came from, but I'm working towards eradicating it from my life.
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