Another room, another bed...

..Another city. I've slept on at least 50 different surfaces in the past year give or take. I am no longer travelling. I am a gypsy. I carry my life possessions on my back, when I leave them on the ground because they are too heavy to take to the bathroom with me, I realize that I don't care about them anyway so someone could take them, and I would be that much lighter for the next leg of my journey. I've found that I have a fondness for blankets or anything blanket like, my winter coat is quite like a blanket itself. Things that are multi-purpose are absolutely a blessing. I can see elements of Thai massage popping up in my life, although I did have a difficult time in Thailand emotionally, that experience is really paying off.

Things happen, at times they're really hard. Sometimes I've felt the most angry, scared, furious, humiliated, lonely, flipping high on life. All when I'm travelling. I'm addicted. It makes me feel ALIVE. I just want to transmit this feeling through my words, through my music, through my eyes. And I can. And I do. I have these insane, intense, overwhelming, beautiful connections with people that are from different places, live in a variety of locations. I miss them, but I appreciate their visit in my world, their gorgeous spirit that played with, danced with, dreamed with mine, intertwined...making....love. Not sex. Beautiful, passionate, intense, melding of spirits to create a baby of pure joy.

Right now I'm high, but days ago I was so low. Are these back and forth, ping ponging of emotions worth the effort? Would it be better to feeling somewhat closer to mellow all the time? It is an unanswerable question for me, I am torn between belly laughter and crushing merry go rounds of thought complete with the terrible music playing on repeat. Belly laughter. So hard that it hurts, you feel pain in your 'opu, you can't breathe, it even goes against your parasympathetic nervous system (unconscious bodily responses). It feels SO dang good. Even when I had stitches in my stomach from appendicitis, I remember laughing, oh did it hurt, but oh did I need to do it. Much thanks to Whitney French and Vanessa Delsooz for coming to my rescue in that hospital. Oh 17, how old I thought I was.

But am I so different now? I sometimes have epiphanies that I am still me. All the changes I have gone through, lifestyle, food I eat, where I live, what I'm doing, things I have learned. I am still essentially and totally myself. I just met someone I met when I was grade 6, I haven't seen them for years. And today we had a cup of tea like no time had passed. There is an essential 'something' that connects us to each other and that stays inside us for a long, long time. What is it?

I love so hard, so deeply my friends. The people that have been in my life an extended period of time. Also that I connected so deeply with. Connected. What is it? What does it mean? How does it happen? Why this person or not that one? Is it similarity, a fascination with difference, right place right time a random meeting in the world of possibility. I almost said universe, but sometimes I like to remember the sheer size of the universe. The fact that as a human being I CAN'T even comprehend it. HA. The smallness of our planet, our solar system, OUR galaxy. 

I saw one of the most amazing things when I was in Australia. I watched footage from the Hubble telescope in the largest Imax theatre in the world. It was so emotional. I was so surprised by my reaction. I would have never thought that I would have an 'emotional' reaction to such a thing. But it was so beautiful. They even showed the islands of Hawai'i from space, it was lovely. Just gorgeous. 

We'll, that was my rant for the evening. Thanks for listening.

Wandering spirits unite

I am a wanderer of the world. Thus the title vagabond. Even within one place, I seek adventure and the unknown. I seek others' perspectives and new tastes and sounds. I've been called indecisive, irresponsible, but I think I'm just curious. What is the difference between the east and the west of Canada? The difference between the US and Canada? The difference between Hawai'i and the US? There is no true answer from a personal perspective. Mine and others' experience of these places is difference. On paper you can compare stats and government practices, and weather. But while these factors play a part in one's experience of a place, they are far from the only factor.

For me it is often the people I meet, or don't meet, and connect with. I can deal with snow, rain, humidity, being arrested for in downtown Toronto, waiting for hours in a ER, but if there's no one to go tobogganing with or bring me a snack in the waiting room, or dance in the rain with, then life is a lot harder. And I don't mean a romantic partner, just another soul floating around in the universe to have good conversations with, to make fudge with, to give you a hug.

People that live in one place and never leave seem to get so caught up in their lives that they have a hard time including newcomers. I wouldn't have survive so long as a wanderer, without all the other wanderers that have shared many beautiful moments with me.

So this post is to them, thank you for sharing your beautiful spirits with me out there is the big bad world.

Love,

Rose

Romance's ugly hold: a second eradication

I'm sure that romance can be a beautiful thing, but so far in my life romantic endeavours have been far from the picture perfect image that I have strived for since crying my eyes out as a 12 year old wondering why I did not yet have a boyfriend. I have had many positive experiences in romantic relationships, but romance's ugly head always seems to rear at some point. Why aren't things working out like I thought they would? Why am I not always the center of attention? Why isn't sex always perfect, with beautifully timed placement of hands and mouths and kisses that make you forget your name? Why aren't you perfect????!

What a high expectation to place upon someone, I've finally realized. A standard that can never be met. A giving up of oneself completely to another's wants and whims. It's quite unrealistic and realizing that has been part of growing out my ego-centered life of being a child. The number of times I've accepted a partner into my life and then belittled them for not being some impossible imaginary thing is quite sad. I can see this theme in my own life, as I tend to do it with myself. Have impossibly high expectations and then not meeting them and then belittling myself for being 'not good enough' or 'stupid' or 'lazy'. Sometime I confuse these feelings of not meeting my high expectations of myself as not doing the right thing and become quite susceptible to others' suggestions. Maybe I'm applying for jobs wrong or the wrong jobs, or doing the wrong hobbies, or eating the wrong food. But as I've strayed down to road of engaging in everyone else's advice, I've found myself as lost as before.

In the end I have the theory that I am doing it all quite right and quite well, as I am not 'lazy' or 'stupid' and I am plenty good enough. I am doing my best and I need to start given myself credit for doing so. I'm doing what I want to do, that's pretty awesome. I respect people that do what they want to do and then find the satisfaction and happiness in that. So I'm halfway there. I just need to start realizing that I am doing what I want to do, instead of constantly striving for it. Some might ask what I am doing. Well we'll save that for another post.

The point is, once I start accepting myself and my actions and my motivations, then I can engage in dialogue where I'm not afraid of being controlled by others. Because at the moment I'm afraid of suggestions because they make me feel lost because I'm not feeling very confident about myself. But I am confident about myself I'm realizing through this post.

It's all a mindset anyways.

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

I have found myself as part of a community who's values lie beyond monetary, who strive more to live for the pursuit of satisfaction then for the pursuit of comfort (satisfaction being comfortable). Wherever I have spent an extended period of time, I have ended up a part of this community as if by some sort of fate. There is one attitude that I have encountered and acquired along the way that I don't quite feel comfortable with, that of being 'guilty until proven innocent'.

People wonder how I meet my basic needs without working for more than minimum wage and sometimes having long periods of time where I don't work, where I might be traveling or learning in other unconventional ways, WWOOFing for example. I have occasionally been accused of taking advantage of others and being 'lazy'. I have encountered the attitude that I am taking advantage until I prove my worth through some sort of series of invisible tests that I must pass.

When this attitude comes to pass I feel like I will never be able to prove myself, perhaps because I can't. If someone is suspicious of me, then they will be keeping their eye out for things that could be interpreted as devious or untrustworthy instead of noticing the ways in which I am a good person. And also, If I'm feeling guilty I will be feeding this idea of distrust by acting as if I need to prove something and seeming guilty because I allowed myself to buy into that feeling.

The first and foremost way that I am able to meet my needs with what is deemed "little" money, is to reevaluate the definition of 'need'. Need to me has changed from what need was growing up. My needs bend and mesh and flex to what resources are nearby. What is available? The second is to reevaluate money. Not everything can be bought and not everything needs to be bought. What other resources do I have to offer?

I have found a variety of ways around using money, and I'm not talking about stealing, I'm talking about free piles, dumpster diving, exchanges, seeking out free activities and workshops, riding a bicycle and learning how it works, and living with people who have similar ways of life. Is this taking advantage? Who would I be taking advantage of? It's far from lazy. It takes just as much work to avoid using money as it does to earn money so you can buy convenience, as far as I can tell. It's just a different kind of work.

I'm not sure where 'guilty until proven innocent' came from, but I'm working towards eradicating it from my life.