I'm sure that romance can be a beautiful thing, but so far in my life romantic endeavours have been far from the picture perfect image that I have strived for since crying my eyes out as a 12 year old wondering why I did not yet have a boyfriend. I have had many positive experiences in romantic relationships, but romance's ugly head always seems to rear at some point. Why aren't things working out like I thought they would? Why am I not always the center of attention? Why isn't sex always perfect, with beautifully timed placement of hands and mouths and kisses that make you forget your name? Why aren't you perfect????!
What a high expectation to place upon someone, I've finally realized. A standard that can never be met. A giving up of oneself completely to another's wants and whims. It's quite unrealistic and realizing that has been part of growing out my ego-centered life of being a child. The number of times I've accepted a partner into my life and then belittled them for not being some impossible imaginary thing is quite sad. I can see this theme in my own life, as I tend to do it with myself. Have impossibly high expectations and then not meeting them and then belittling myself for being 'not good enough' or 'stupid' or 'lazy'. Sometime I confuse these feelings of not meeting my high expectations of myself as not doing the right thing and become quite susceptible to others' suggestions. Maybe I'm applying for jobs wrong or the wrong jobs, or doing the wrong hobbies, or eating the wrong food. But as I've strayed down to road of engaging in everyone else's advice, I've found myself as lost as before.
In the end I have the theory that I am doing it all quite right and quite well, as I am not 'lazy' or 'stupid' and I am plenty good enough. I am doing my best and I need to start given myself credit for doing so. I'm doing what I want to do, that's pretty awesome. I respect people that do what they want to do and then find the satisfaction and happiness in that. So I'm halfway there. I just need to start realizing that I am doing what I want to do, instead of constantly striving for it. Some might ask what I am doing. Well we'll save that for another post.
The point is, once I start accepting myself and my actions and my motivations, then I can engage in dialogue where I'm not afraid of being controlled by others. Because at the moment I'm afraid of suggestions because they make me feel lost because I'm not feeling very confident about myself. But I am confident about myself I'm realizing through this post.
It's all a mindset anyways.
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